when church has no steeple....

concert outfit details: top // skirt // belt splurge or save // sunnies splurge or save // bucket bag splurge or save // boots (sold out) similar here  // similar necklace and crystal 

At this very moment, I thought I’d be sitting in a waiting room while my brother, nate, was in his 4th brain surgery. We were going to be in Birmingham. He was going to be having the herpes virus put into his tumor in hopes of a cure for his brain cancer. He had too much regrowth for the surgery and is running out of options. But instead of being in that waiting room, I’m sitting in my bath tub reflecting on last night. Last night was like an out of body experience. 

Back in January, Cal bought us tickets to see one of our favorite artists, Jason Isbell. We’ve both been seeing him long before Cal and I even knew each other... about 15 years. That's almost half of my life. So long ago that I didn't have a digital camera back then. I'd have to find film pictures at my mom's to show y'all those first shows (aint nobody got time for that!) Back then Jason was the lead singer of one of our other favorite bands, Drive By Truckers. I’ve seen them more times than I could count. In college, if they were anywhere close playing, I went to see them. On stage, they’d pass around a handle of Jack Daniels and finish it while we got just as drunk in the crowd. Their concerts are some of my favorite memories. They were a huge part of my “wild years.” 

When we bought the tickets, we knew we were rolling the dice. With Nathan, we never know what the future holds and can’t book anything from that far in advance. Well our tickets were supposed to be for tonight’s show. After the emotionally draining day yesterday of finding our Nate had too much regrowth to be eligible for the surgery, I needed a night of fun. I needed an escape for a little while. I begged Cal to sell our tickets and get some for last night instead. Our sweet babysitter, Mackenzie, came over super fast so we could make it there in time. We went and had dinner at cafe 4 and then headed to the show. During the opener, we get a text from Mackenzie saying the smoke alarms are going off every 3 minutes at the house. Not just chirping but actually going off. She said she didn’t smell smoke or anything but wasn’t sure what to do and was trying to put the kids to bed. It was just enough stress, after the day I had, to give me a full blown panic attack.  I wasn’t worried that our house was burning down, but I was worried about fixing it. Our sweet neighbor, Andrew Young, ended up going to the house and saving the day!

But the panic attack.... I had to go sit in the bathroom and practice breathing exercises. I was truly having trouble breathing. I went back up to our seats and was going back and forth in my head with “do I tell Cal I need to leave?” I don’t know if you’ve ever had a panic attack and/or anxiety, but it’s debilitating. My entire body starts to shake and I can’t make it stop. I pulled out my valor roller from my purse and rolled my wrists and took deep breaths hoping it would give me the courage to continue the night.  The panic attack lasted about 15 minutes even after I knew that the house and kids were ok. As I’m sitting there trying to calm down, I’m texting my dad and getting updates on how Nate is doing.  Cal and I have a feeling the show will start soon and we decide to run to the bathroom real quick so we don’t miss Jason starting. I ask the older lady sitting next to us if she’ll make sure no one knocks our beers over while we’re gone and she says “sure!” We come back from the bathroom and I sit down. She taps me on the shoulder and says “now can I ask you a favor?” “Of course!” I said. “Can you please not text during the show?”

.... my jaw hit the floor. I was so caught off guard. I get it, she didn’t want me on my phone the whole show. BUT, this was out of line. I said “as much as I would love to just throw this phone across the room and enjoy the show, I’m getting updates on how my brother with terminal brain cancer is doing with the news he got today. He was supposed to be having a surgery and I wasn’t supposed to be here, but he had too much regrowth and got kicked out. On top of that, I have 3 toddlers at home with a babysitter and the fire alarms are going off every 3 minutes.” Y’all. I wanted to SNAP on her, but I was honestly out of energy for the day. She stayed quiet for a minute and then apologized and said “you know, I still believe in miracles.” I told her “me too.” I turned to Cal with tears in my eyes and he said “what the hell did she say to you!?” 

Heres the thing though, one huge thing I have learned from my brother is to put the phone down. He’s. Never. On. His. Phone. He’s ALWAYS soaking the moment in. He posted ONE video of our trip to Costa Rica and honestly I think he did it for his son, Jack (it was a video of raccoons on our porch.) I get putting the phone down, but I’m a SUCKER for getting every possible photo. He doesn’t even do that.  

As my friend Holly said, “it must be nice to be able to just put your phone up and watch the show without a care in the world!”  Thats actually exactly how I felt about that lady too, initially. But the more I thought about it the more I saw it as a chance to have grace on a lady that had no idea why or who I was texting and a gentle nudge from God to sit back and enjoy the show. Strangely enough, photos weren’t allowed at the concert either. I snuck a few though because who sits 2nd row at Jason Isbell and doesn’t take a pic?!? As I sit and wait for Jason to start, house music plays. They happen to play a song that used to be significant to me. I knew why the song played and knew what it was preparing me for that night. God knows me so well and knows exactly how to get messages to me. 

Ok so... Jason FINALLY comes out and begins playing....

ANXIETY

I shit you not. As I was sitting and trying to calm down from my anxiety and panic attack he sings  

“Anxiety

How do you always get the best of me?

I'm out here living in a fantasy

I can't enjoy a damn thing

Anxiety

Why am I never where I am supposed to be?

Even with my lover sleeping close to me

I'm wide awake and I'm in pain”

and yall.... as unbelievable as it sounds, look at what lit up behind him... 

... A SWALLOW! It might seem insignificant, but up until recently I thought swallows WERE sparrows... like for my entire life I called them that.  So that’s the equivalent of me seeing a sparrow up there. A SPARROW. God’s fingerprints. He wanted me right there. My anxiety almost instantly dissipated. 

Next up: HOPE THE HIGH ROAD... 

 “I hear you're fighting off a breakdown. I myself am on the brink.....

....I know you're tired

And you ain't sleeping well

Uninspired

And likely mad as hell
But wherever you are
I hope the high road leads you home again”

Yes. Yes. And Yes. Jason nails it. I have so much hope in Jesus and his plan, but that does not mean I don't have my moments of anger. 

Then into: 24 FRAMES

”This is how you make yourself call your mother

And this is how you make yourself closer to your brother
And remember him back when he was small enough to help you sing

You thought God was an architect, now you know
He’s something like a pipe bomb ready to blow
And everything you built that’s all for show goes up in flames
In twenty- four frames”

Next: SOMETHING MORE THAN FREE. This has always been one of my favorites. Sometimes I have guilt from not often attending church with a steeple. I was raised in church. My dad has been a pastor most of my life. Yet, when Sunday rolls around, I'm tired. It doesn't mean I don't long for and get Jesus, I do. It's not just always at church. I got so much Jesus last night that I had to sit down and blog all of this.

"You see a hammer finds a nail
And a freight train needs the rails
And I'm doin' what I'm on this earth to do

And I don't think on why I'm here where it hurts
I'm just lucky to have the work
Sunday morning I'm too tired to go to church
But I thank God for the work

....

When I get my reward my work will all be done
And I will sit back in my chair beside the father and the son
No more holes to fill and no more rocks to break
And no more loading boxes on the trucks for someone else's sake"

Next: WHITE MAN’S WORLD

”There's no such thing as someone else's war. Your creature comforts aren't the only things worth fighting for.. You're still breathing, it's not too late. We're all carrying one big burden, sharing one fate

.....

I'm a white man living in a white man's nation. I think the man upstairs must'a took a vacation
I still have faith, but I don't know why”

Next: DECORATION DAY. This is one of his songs that he wrote for Drive By Truckers. I LOVE this song and it took me back to college for a minute. No cares in the world. 

me and jason back when he was playing at barley's circa 2009.

DBT at the Valerium back in 2009.

Next: DIFFERENT DAYS. I always cry when he plays this one. In a weird way he feels like an old friend to me. Jason went to rehab after he left DBT. He got clean, got married, and had a baby. It was about the same time I got married and had a baby and cleaned up my own act. This song reminds me of how we’ve both grown up from the drunken days of Drive By Truckers. These ARE different days. But they are rich and so good. 

"Time went by and I left and I left again
Jesus loves a sinner but the highway loves a sin
My daddy told me I believe he told me true
That the right things always the hardest thing to do

Ten years ago I might stuck around for another night
And used her in a thousand different ways
But those were different days
Those were different days

And the stories only mine to live and die with
And the answers only mine to come across
But the ghosts that I got scared and I got high with
look a little lost"

Nate and I at DBT in 2006 at the Tennessee Theatre.

Next: CODEINE. Another one of my favorites. Not many people know this but I accidentally overdosed one day in high school, at school, because I didn’t fear much of anything those days. Codeine was a pill I always willing to take from friends. I guess I thought life was hard back then... HAAAAAA! 

“You oughta come home tonight but you won't. I wish we knew how to fight but we don't.
One of your friends has taken you in and given you codeine.
One of your friends has taken you in and given you codeine.“

Next:  LAST OF MY KIND  

”Mama says God won't give you too much to bear

That might be true in Arkansas
But I'm a long, long way from there
That whole world's a lonely, faded picture in my mind
Am I the last of my kind?
Am I the last of my kind?
Am I the last of my kind?”

Next: SPEED TRAP TOWN. I was NOT prepared emotionally to hear this one. It’s one of my favorites and I absolutely fell apart....

”The doctor said Daddy wouldn't make it a year, but the holidays are over and he's still here.
How long can they keep you in the ICU?
Veins through the skin like a faded tattoo

.... 

But it never did occur to me to leave 'til tonight when I realized he'll never be alright.
Sign my name and say my last goodbye, then decide that there's nothing here that can't be left behind”

Yall, I wept like a baby. It goes without saying that those are my fears and Jason put them into words. 

Next: CUMBERLAND GAP. This one is so good I’m putting all the lyrics. 

“There's an answer here, if I look hard enough

There's a reason why I always reach for the harder stuff
It wasn't my daddy's way
He was down in the mines all day
I know he wanted more than mouths to feed and bills to pay

Maybe the Cumberland Gap just swallows you whole
Maybe the Cumberland Gap just swallows you whole

I ain't cut out for war, unless I know what I'm fighting for
And there's nothing here but churches, bars, and grocery stores
Ain't much money in the old-time mandolin
So I cash my check and I drink 'til I'm on my ass again

Maybe the Cumberland Gap just swallows you whole
Maybe the Cumberland Gap just swallows you whole
Maybe the Cumberland Gap just swallows you whole

Remember when we could see the mountain's peak?
The sparkle off the amphibole?
Like a giant golden eagle's beak
Now they say no one wants the coal

I thought about moving away
But what would my mama say?
I'm all that she has left and I'm with her every day
As soon as the sun goes down
I find my way to the Mustang Lounge
And if you don't sit facing the window
You could be in any town

Maybe the Cumberland Gap just swallows you whole
Maybe the Cumberland Gap just swallows you whole“

Next: TUPELO.  

“Haven't been wasted in a long time. But tonight it feels just fine
Riding home with the windows up, alone with a plastic cup of real good wine“

Next: STOCKHOLM. Gotta keep taking notes of these birds.

"Ships in the harbor and birds on the bluff
Don't move an inch when their anchor goes up"

Next: COVER ME UP. One of his absolute best songs in my opinion. His voice in this song just leaves me in a pile of tears on the floor. I just don't know if it gets better. To me it's again about those crazy college days and the grace that I am here today at all.

"A heart on the run keeps a hand on the gun
You can't trust anyone
I was so sure what I needed was more
Tried to shoot out the sun
Days when we raged, we flew off the page
Such damage was done
But I made it through, 'cause somebody knew
I was meant for someone"

Next:  OUTFIT. This is another one of the songs he wrote for DBT. There’s too much to write for this one and this ain’t the place for it. It's one of Cal's favorites and I'm so glad he got to see him play it.

Next: GO IT ALONE. I actually never paid much attention to this song, until tonight. 

“It's realizing just how close you've come to death.
and rearranging accordingly.
I'm realizing what I've lost and what I've left
and taking it home to go it alone again.”

Next: CHILDREN OF CHILDREN. Jason’s Mom had him when she was 17. This song is about that. It’s one of my favvvvvvs. Also, not the place to get into why I love this song. But its a damn good one.

Encore: SUPER 8 MOTEL .... and then he ended with...IF WE WERE VAMPIRES. When we were in Costa Rica it came on my phone as I was sitting on the beach, I ALWAYS share good songs with Nate and sent it to him immediately because I knew he’d love it. Nathan can get frustrated with our usual hopeful and optimistic attitude, but I wanted to show him I know and understand the gravity of the situation. He listened to the song on repeat the rest of the week and the flight home. At one point he showed my mom and she was like “that was the most depressing song ever” Nate and I laughed. We love it. Terminal diagnosis or not, WE ARE ALL TERMINAL. As he always says “our time here on earth is finite.” I knew Jason was going to play it. I knew it would be the very last song. God’s fingerprints. I was prepared for this one.

 “It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in or the light coming off of your skin
The fragile heart you protected for so long
Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong
It's not your hands searching slow in the dark
Or your nails leaving love's watermark
It's not the way you talk me off the roof
Your questions like directions to the truth, It's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be goneIf we were vampires and death was a joke
We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke
And laugh at all the lovers and their plans
I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand
Maybe time running out is a gift
I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift
And give you every second I can find
And hope it isn't me who's left behindIt's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be goneIt's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
One day you'll be gone”

Death isn’t a joke. You won’t find me on the sidewalk smoking anymore. Time running out IS a gift. I have learned more about God’s goodness in these past 3 years since Nathan’s diagnosis than I have learned in my whole life. Tell people you love them. Show kindness. Show grace. Put the phone down and soak in those moments that you’ll never get back. Thank you Cal for treating me to the much needed therapy session last night. 

Xoxo- 

hannah